he title is deceiving. I admit that. You can’t
“get” anyone to love you. How that occurs is a mystery. (And, we’ll end
this post in mystery.)
But, I wanted you to find and read the post if you need the help.
I wrote this post almost 5 years ago now and titled it .
It continues to be a heavily searched post. I think it’s because so
many men are asking the same question. They’ve lost their wife’s heart
and don’t know how to get her back. They want to know how to “get my
wife to love me again.”
I decided to repost this, with a few alterations, because apparently
there is a huge need. And so yes, if you stumbled here looking for
answers-that’s my intent, but please know this is not a perfect post.
It won’t apply to everyone. It won’t be an “end all” to your situation.
It is simply designed to gear your heart in a healthier direction, so
you can better concentrate on repairing your marriage.
As I refresh this post, it’s early one Saturday morning and I have
just had this same conversation with another man. He doesn’t know me. He
found me online, but he is desperate. Through some bad decisions, he
has injured his wife and she isn’t sure she wants the marriage to work
anymore so he went searching for answers.
I told him as I’ve said so many times before, this type of help is
hard to give over the Internet. Generalized posts can only help so much.
His wife is unique; unlike any other woman.
I have learned, however, that there are some commonalities in these
situations. In working with marriages in distress, I’ve discovered that
most men have injured their wife emotionally at some level and many
times don’t even know it.
A man seldom understands (this man included) how different a woman is
from a man. Of course, we understand some of the physical differences,
but women are usually more in tune with their emotions than men are.
When life happens to them, typically their initial and dominant reaction
is to respond emotionally. When someone hurts a woman’s feelings, for
example, even though the information they receive may be false, they
have a harder time working through the feelings associated with the
emotional injury.
The heart, speaking in terms of the seat of our emotions, was created
much like other parts of the body. When a finger is broken the body is
designed to instantly start to heal and protect itself from further
injury. The same is true of the heart. When a person’s heart is injured,
it goes into a self-protective mode to keep it from further injury.
Over time, after years of injury, the heart becomes almost calloused,
refusing to allow anyone to injure the heart again. A woman who has had
years of emotional injury doesn’t have much heart left to give, but
especially to the one who has done the most injury.
When a sudden dangerous blow to the woman’s heart is delivered, such
as when she finds out the man had an affair, the already injured heart
breaks — and completely closes off from being hurt anymore.
Most men enjoy trying to “fix” problems, but men cannot fix their
wife’s heart. And that’s the advice most men want me to give when they
contact me. Emotions are not repaired as easily as one could fix a
leaking faucet or program a computer. There’s no program. No system. No
script. There’s not an “app” for that.
So what is a man to do if he feels his wife’s heart is injured? How do you heal a broken heart?
Of course, Jesus is the Wonderful Counselor. He can come in, erase
all the pain and make the heart brand new. Most of the time however, at
least in my experience, He lets us wrestle with life’s heartache while
we learn to better love one another.
In the former post I list these as “steps”. That was probably a poor choice of words. A better word might be suggestions.
They are written simply as suggestions if a man wants to encourage the
healing of his wife’s heart. These are good suggestions even if the man
simply wants to improve his marriage relationship.
Here are my suggestions:
Seek God– I added this one to the previous post. It
should have been in the first one, but honestly, I saw it as almost an
unspoken understanding. It’s certainly what most men tell me they are
doing at this point. Like the man mentioned above told me, he had never
been much of a “church guy”, but now he desperately wants God to heal
his marriage. Whatever draws you closer to God is a good thing — and
will make you a better man, regardless of what happens with your
marriage. Use this time to develop and strengthen your relationship with
God. It starts, as all relationships with God begin, through a
recognition of who Christ is and your belief in Him. Start there and
grow.
Practice Patience – The first thing men need to do
is to recognize that restoring a broken heart will not happen overnight.
Emotions heal very slowly. Steps should begin to restore an injured
heart or to rebuild the marriage, but men should not expect too much too
soon.
Love Her – This is by far their greatest need. Most
wives have their love need unmet. The standard for our love is
perfection, since a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church
(Ephesians 5), so a man will actually never love his wife enough,
without the help of Christ. The wife knows, however, when the husband’s
attention is somewhere else. Most men sacrifice their marriage for their
careers or other interests. A wife’s love need is there every day. A
wife needs to know that she is second only to God in her husband’s
affections. I have found that for my love for Cheryl to grow-I need
Christ’s help. I pray for this often.
Romance Her – A woman has a need for romance. Most
wives had a fairy tale idea of marriage when they were growing up. They
realize early in marriage this isn’t reality, but their need for
occasional romance remains. Men rarely know how to do this. A man should
be genuine, but should recognize and value the uniqueness of his wife
and find ways to give her romance. I gave my wife a “romantic” trip to
New York City for Christmas one year. We were going to dance, walk
through Central Park and just enjoy each other. It didn’t turn out
exactly as I had planned it, but I earned huge points in the romance
category with my wife.
Value Words – When a man comes home and says “This
house is a mess”, being a mostly factual being, that’s probably all he
meant. He looked around, made a physical observation and stated a
factual conclusion. The wife, however, probably did not receive the
information that way. The wife most likely hears lots of negative
information, such as, “You have done nothing all day”, or maybe even, “I
don’t like you.” That sounds impossible to most guy’s rational minds,
but with emotions receiving information anything could be heard, whether
that was the intended response or not. Men need to learn how to be
gentle with their wives and the words they use. One question I ask men,
“Would you let another man talk to your wife the way you talk to her?”
Communicate on Her Terms– Women communicate best
heart to heart…not head to head. A man should allow his wife to see his
true heart. This is difficult for a man to do, but he should be willing
to be vulnerable with her. Men may need to ask their wives to help them
learn how to say things to her. Men cannot talk to their wives as they
would their guy friends. It’s rare for men to get very “deep” in their
conversations with other men, especially when it involves emotions.
Women require understanding, compassion, openness and honesty in
communication.
Give Consistent Assurance – Trust is an important
need for a woman in relationships. The wife needs to know that her
husband is going to be faithful. Men should not take offense, for
example, when their wife asks details about their schedule or the
activities of their day. The wife desires to be a partner in her
husband’s life and these details help her provide trust and security in
the relationship. A man should also tell his wife frequently that he
loves her. She needs this consistent assurance. As long as nothing major
happens, most men can live with a “we said it once and meant it”
attitude. This is not enough for the wiring of most women.
Encourage Truth – Ultimately life cannot be lived
strictly by emotions. We need truth. Emotions are often unreliable. A
woman who feels unloved may be very much loved by her family, but she
fails to feel that truth because of years of emotional abuse or just
because she’s emotionally having a bad day. Men should gently, but
consistently speak truth in love, reminding his wife of her worth, her
beauty, and her place in his life. Husbands have this ability better
than anyone in the heart of their wife. Over time — truth, when given
with love, can play a part in healing damaged emotions.
Be Consistent – The heart is damaged over years and
years of injury. Sadly many women have deep and tragic heart wounds, but
much of this injury will have been unintentionally delivered and small
in terms of the magnitude of the incident. Years of emotional injury
builds up in the heart until the heart becomes closed. The erasing of
the pain will happen just as it was developed…a little bit at a time.
The husband cannot try this for a week and then stop. Protecting a
woman’s heart must become a lifestyle.
I remember once talking with a man whose wife was experiencing deep
depression. As I talked with this man it became apparent that, though
probably unknowingly, he had been damaging his wife’s heart for years.
He couldn’t seem to understand why his wife was so emotional;
“Everything seems to upset her”, he said. The man told me he had tried
to help her through her problems and that everything they had going
against them he could “fix” if she would let him. I am not sure I could
have ever convinced this man that his attempts at “repair” were probably
one of the chief causes of his wife’s broken heart.
Most men tell me they don’t know how to be who their wife needs them
to be or wants them to be. And, most men don’t, anymore than our wives
know how to be the wife we need. I believe if we want to grow strong
marriages we will both, husbands and wives, have to keep learning. It’s
never too late to begin! Ephesians 5 calls it a mystery, but the best
marriages work through the hard work, to get to the greater gain. Great
marriages are worth it.
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